What Is And Never Will Be
by miikasaa
Summary: Years ago, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa decided on a day where, once a year, they could reminisce freely about their childhoods without the weight of humanity on their shoulders. Even in light of recent events, the trio continues with their tradition. Set after chapter 52.


Eren waited until he heard the door across the hall slide shut, until he was sure of no one left awake in the cabin before throwing his sheets to the foot of the bed.

The floorboards creaked under his sudden weight as he steps carefully from his bed. He pauses, his expression twisting while he imagines all the ways Captain Levi would kill him if he were discovered to still be awake. Thankfully, no other noise followed, and Eren let out the breath he'd been holding.

From across the room, Eren watched as Armin rose from his own bed and avoided the creaky floorboards a lot better than the titan-shifter had.

They shared a look, and though it was difficult to see his best friend's expression clearly in the dark, Eren knew they shared similar looks of anguish. Wordlessly, the duo tiptoed their way to the door, double checking the hall and taking extra care in front of the Captain's room. Armin silently opened the door to the girl's room, sparing it only a glance before shaking his head and sliding the door closed. Mikasa was already there, then.

The two boys slowly walked down the stairs, taking care to step around the places they knew were loose.

She's sitting exactly where Armin suspected her to be once they get to the back deck of the cabin, her scarf pulled over her mouth and her hair gently swaying in the cool breeze.

Mikasa looks up slowly when Armin squeezes her shoulder before taking a seat on the step across from her. Eren sits between them and for a moment, the shifter is reminded of his days in Shiganshina, and he can almost convince himself that Armin will open a book and tell another story about the ocean.

"You should have brought a jacket. It's getting colder." Mikasa's statement brings Eren back to the present. Their days of lying around and dreaming of the future were over. Now, they had to fight for what they'd read of for so long.

Eren props his hands on the step behind him, throwing his head back to inspect the stars littering the sky. "You should have one, too."

He idly remembered teaching Mikasa the constellations a few months after she came to live with his family. It was during a night when she couldn't sleep; too overcome with thoughts of the family she had lost so suddenly. She'd fallen asleep after he finished naming the ones Armin had told him, and his mom found them the next morning, curled against each other in the backyard.

Armin sighed, leaning back to mimic Eren's pose on the steps. "It might snow soon."

"I hope not," Eren answers, shivering through another gust of wind. "It's harder to use the 3DMG in the snow."

The blonde chuckled, shaking his head slowly. "Do you remember our last snow fall in Shiganshina? My grandfather helped us build a few snowmen, you forgot your gloves, and Mikasa gave you hers. Aunt Carla was afraid she'd caught a cold."

"I remember," a small smile pulled at his features. "Mom wrapped her in a blanket in front of the fireplace and didn't let her move until dad came home."

"She didn't let you out in the snow the next day."

"Still gave me hot cocoa, though."

A sudden pressure against his leg made Eren look down from the sky to see Mikasa's head resting against his knee, her legs curled against her chest. He reached a hand out to her shoulder, but hesitated at the last second, pulling it back to his side.

Armin kept the conversation going. "Remember when you were sick with what Uncle Grisha called the "flu"? I didn't see you or Mikasa for almost two weeks."

"That's because she refused to leave my side. Almost caught it too," he laughed, and after a moment Armin joined in.

The two boys fell silent. Armin moved closer to his friend, his shoulder touching Eren's. He reached over to lightly ruffle Mikasa's hair, but she didn't respond. Somewhere in the forest around them, a few wolves howled, and Eren wondered if Sasha wouldn't mind shooting one for dinner.

Eren's gaze shifted from Armin, who's legs were kicked out and head was still facing the stars, to Mikasa, who'd barely said a word since they'd come out here.

Ever since they started these yearly meetings, the young girl never said much. Before joining the military, Eren would stroke her hair as she held him, but since their trainee days, his recent kidnappings, and her confession, things had changed. He didn't know what to do for her now.

Maybe he could follow Armin's example, though.

"The day after you moved in with me, Mikasa, you stayed in my bed all day, crying. Mom tried to talk you through it, but nothing she or dad said could get you out of there." He continued after a moment's pause when she didn't react. "I was so confused. I wanted to show you around the town, introduce you to Armin, and show you all of the best places to play. Mom told me I had to be patient-"

"So you came to complain to me." Armin interrupted, chuckling. "I told you the same thing she did."

Eren nudged his friend's shoulder, but there was a small smile on his face. "Yeah. I yelled at you, too. Said something about how I refused to give up on her. I knew you were hurting, but dammit I wanted to make you feel better."

"You crawled into the bed with me." Mikasa's voice was quiet and for a second Eren wondered if she hadn't spoken at all, but then she continued. "For the first time since I'd met you, you didn't say a word. You let me… cry on your shoulder until I fell asleep, and when I woke up you were still there."

"I wanted to make you feel better," he repeated.

Mikasa turned her face into his knee. "You did," she whispered. This time, Eren didn't hesitate to place his hand on the back of her head, linking his fingers through her inky strands.

Armin reached for her hand, and she easily complied, resting their joint hands on Eren's other knee.

For a few minutes, it was silent again. All three of them lost in their respective memories, of days when the titans seemed so far away, and their nights were filled with hugs and declarations of love from their parental figures.

"I miss them," Mikasa choked out, and Eren could hear the tears she was hiding.

Eren briefly tightened his hand in her hair, leaning his own head against Armin's. "Me too," the blonde whispered. Eren nodded, remembering too late that they couldn't see the gesture.

He glanced back to the sky, the picture of his mother's smiling face overtaking the constellations in his mind. "I wonder what they're thinking right now."

"They're proud." Mikasa declared, her voice the strongest it had been that night. "You two have done so much, saved so many people's lives. You're the reason humanity still has a chance."

"You are too, Mikasa." She shook her head against Eren's leg, but Armin continued, "You're one of the strongest soldiers this world has ever seen. You saved the civilians in Trost, helped Captain Levi save Eren from Annie, caught Eren when he fell from Reiner's back, and so much more."

Eren smiled sadly. "We've all done so much more than I ever thought we would. As a kid, I never imagined I'd join the Survey Corps under these circumstances."

"I never imagined any of this," Mikasa murmured.

Armin took a deep breath, and Eren could see him smiling through his tears. "They are proud."

Silence fell between them again. Mikasa's shoulders shook, but she didn't make a sound. Armin squeezed her hand again, and Eren could hear him sniff quietly. For the millionth time, he wished he had a way to make them all feel better, to end their pain.

After what felt like hours, Armin spoke again. "We should probably get back." Eren felt Mikasa's head move from his knee, saw her silhouette wipe the remaining tears from her face, and the trio stood.

Wordlessly, Eren wrapped his arms around Mikasa and Armin's shoulders, pulling them close to him. They immediately returned his gesture, and for a few moments they stayed that way, heads pressed together and tears leaking from their eyes.

They had nothing left to say, there were only so many sentimental words they could share before the phrases meant nothing anymore. And sometimes to them, silence spoke louder than any other sentiment.

When they broke apart, none of them bothered to hide their tears. They didn't talk as they snuck back into the house, carefully meandering their way through the old, creaky cabin.

Pausing outside of the girl's room, Eren and Armin simultaneously reached forward to kiss Mikasa's cheeks. She smiled sadly, squeezing their hands before disappearing into her room.

The two boys took extra care passing the Captain's room again, breathing silent sighs of relief when Connie's loud snoring gave them a little noise to walk under in their room.

Eren settled back into his bed, unsure if he would be able to sleep that night. Remembering his parents, especially his mom, always left him exhausted. The time spent with Mikasa and Armin helped, but the three of them would only ever be able to remember.

He could reminisce about the best memories he had with his friends- his family- but that was all he could do. No matter how much they dreamt of a happy future, without their parents there would always be a piece of happiness missing. They would always hurt.

Tomorrow there would be more planning with Hanji's squad. Tomorrow, they couldn't cry or curl up on each other like children. They were soldiers, humanity's hopes for the future. Their pasts couldn't haunt them in battle.

And they weren't okay, but as long as they had each other, maybe once the battle was done they could be.


End file.
